This story is based on a conversation with an anonymous patient at Castle Craig Hospital, a rehab facility in Scotland. Patients are anonymous so they can talk freely about their condition without fear of prejudice. With permission from the source, Insider corroborated the story through conversations with the patient’s therapist.
I’ve had an addictive personality since I was a teenager. It all starts with drugs and alcohol. My addictions even landed me in jail for possession of drugs, and after getting out of there at the age of 22, I was pushed into rehab.
By the age of 30, I had found myself a good career. I made £90,000 a year (about $122,000) as a city tunneler.
But the demons within me never completely left me. Finally, my addiction turned from stimulants to trading stocks in 2009. Finally, in 2015, I found cryptocurrencies. I first used bitcoin to buy drugs on the dark web. At the same time, I also trade stocks. I developed it into a mental obsession with patterns and charts, initially while following the stock market and eventually these obsessions motivated me to trade cryptocurrencies.
I remember the first time I looked at crypto charts: they seemed perfect.
They are very similar to Nasdaq or the stock chart of a company like Apple.
The charts show the growth of bitcoin. It has created a beautiful dual curve, which has an escalatory nature. I can see instability through sharp pullbacks and that’s where I start my technical analysis. This is where phobia really seeps in. I started analyzing and predicting the next shape of the tops and bottoms.
Watching the price of bitcoin rise is like watching a company born, like a small oil company that stands out in the midst of the black gold market. I have analyzed hundreds of charts before bitcoin, but it is still my favorite chart in the end.
“Trading is like riding a roller coaster. I’ll have my ups and downs. Except, every time the roller coaster goes down, it goes lower and lower.”
As always, my addiction goes hand in hand with drugs. I live alone in a one-bedroom apartment. I will hold the mouse with my right hand, and in my left hand, will take a cigarette paper roll. It is like a constant movement of mind and body, and it cannot be stopped. Eight hours later, my stomach will remind me to eat something. During that time I could have traded 100 times, lost £1,000 and made £5,000. At some point, I don’t care if I’m winning or losing. All I care about is following the patterns.
Before long, I was trading bitcoins whenever my eyes were open. I would use a form of trading called technical analysis and play with the patterns and graphs that I recognize, for days on end, without sleep. I bought bitcoins. I spent bitcoins.
Very simply, I want to be a bitcoin millionaire.
In the end, I lost everything.
I believe I have the intelligence, the chance and the ‘magic’ to trade my way with millions of people. I want to crack all lines of code and beat 99% of the world by being the other 1%.
Trading is like riding a roller coaster. I will have my ups and downs. Except, every time the roller coaster goes down, it goes lower and lower.
By 2014, I was deeply in debt. I don’t have a big family, but I don’t want them to worry either. When they ask about my health, I tell them: “Don’t worry about me, we’ll all be millionaires“.
That year, I lost my career after being diagnosed with autism and growing addiction problems. I went bankrupt in 2019.
In 5 years I have pretty much lost, all that I worked so hard to gain.
I lost my integrity, my confidence, and my finances. I had fallen into the abyss, helpless in the face of all my addictions. In the end, I found myself contemplating suicide.
Winter of 2020 is my biggest bottom yet.
The following summer, I admitted myself to Castle Craig Hospital, the only rehab facility that treats crypto addiction.
Sometimes I wonder, if I had used all the management tools and books I’ve read to better manage my trading account, would things be different?
If I weren’t an addict, I would probably be a millionaire. But I probably won’t live, because I’ll just multiply my substance abuse by my extra earnings.
“My addiction and severe self-loathing caused me to subconsciously sabotage myself.”
I just don’t think that becoming a millionaire was in God’s plan.
It doesn’t just mean that. Anyway, I made a lot of money as a tunneler, as a trusted and backed professional.
If I only worked hard until I was 60 and invested my money wisely in stocks, and had my own financial advisor and stockbroker, I would eventually there’s a million pounds in the bank by the time I retire.
But my addiction and severe self-loathing led me to subconsciously sabotage myself.
If you, like me, are looking to avoid the risks of betting while still having fear, regret and insecurity about your next trade – I would advise you to stop. Realize your self worth before chasing millions of dollars. Please seek help. Attend some meetings. And stop this game.
Refer BI